WHERE DID THE DESIRE GO?
WHEN DESIRE IS MISSING IN THE RELATIONSHIP
One of the most common problems in couple sexuality is the dwindling desire in the relationship. Either all of a sudden or slowly and insidiously, passion says goodbye to many bedrooms. What can be done about it? In this article we take care of exactly this question.
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Many couples complain about the dwindling desire in the relationship. The love remains but the fire slowly goes out, either for both partners or for one of the involved. Without desire, an erection is also very difficult to achieve, so this is also an important reason for erection problems. However, what can be done when listlessness creeps into the relationship?
The important thing to understand about this issue is that the reasons for listlessness hold a lot of potential for strong emotions and big arguments. In order to successfully talk to your partner about this problem, you need patience, empathy, honesty, diplomacy and humor. These are qualities that do not come easily to everyone. Often we also have the feeling of hurting our partner with certain statements. Many people therefore prefer to remain silent. However, the result is far worse for many of the partners involved, as they have to deal with rejection and reticence on the part of the silent partner.
So what are the things to consider in order to address the lack of desire or to avoid suddenly finding your partner undesirable?
In the next section, we’ll look at a few of the key points. Again, it is important to note that these issues cannot be generalized. In sexual or couples counseling, support is provided to work through these difficult points together. The right language is used to avoid an accusatory attitude and to find constructive solutions.
POINTS TO CONSIDER
THINGS THAT INFLUENCE THE DESIRE FOR OUR PARTNER
CHANGES
People change over the years. For example, body weight changes (usually upwards) or hair falls out and grows in other places. The dashing blonde of yesteryear becomes a practical housewife and mother. The athletic daredevil with a washboard stomach becomes a comfortable couch lover with a pot belly.
The question now is how far the old “me” can still compete with the new one in terms of sexiness. How desirable is my partner for me and vice versa? What can be done to reconnect with these old values?
- An open conversation with your partner can be a good first step. It is important to find the right words here without appearing accusatory.
- Likewise, you should not immediately create a whole list of adjustment requests. Select one point at a time and also think about the feasibility and consistency. Diplomacy, humor and empathy are needed.
- Before entering into such a conversation, it is also important to consider where you can actively support your partner to perhaps get closer to a desirable state again.
- It is also a good idea to pull out a few stops before you start blaming your partner for the lack of sparks in the bedroom.
Consider what positive qualities your partner brings to the table, even in this day and age. Be sure to include these points in the discussion.
DAILY ROUTINE
Everyday life can definitely be called a lust killer for many relationships. All the many little things that can distract the focus from the lovable and desirable qualities of the partner, are also to blame for the fact that the desire for sex is nipped in the bud. It is not uncommon for our expectations of our partners to be doubly high. The perfect lover and the reliable partner who does everything right and gives me everything I need, even without me having to ask for it.
- Understand friction and don’t take it lightly.
- In disputes about everyday life, both partners are usually right in their own way. It is therefore important to express this and not so much to look for the right, but to find a common solution.
- It is also helpful to talk regularly about the things that bother you about your partner. The answer should not be an excuse or defense, but only a feedback about what the various points trigger in one’s feelings (exercise below under decluttering).
- Take the time to tell your partner that you love him or her and are happy to be with them. Small honest compliments create true miracles in a relationship.
Tenderness in everyday life helps to decelerate and gives back a lot of strength and energy.
DIFERENTIATION
Merging into the “we” is the beginning of the end for many couples. Everything is shared together. House, friends, interests, vacations, for some couples even the toothbrush. However, the loss of one’s individuality can have devastating consequences for the necessary tension dynamics of couples. The person who was originally desired, with all his or her idiosyncrasies, is suddenly completely transparent and no longer holds any exciting secrets. Suddenly there is nothing more to say to each other, because everything is done together. One’s own desires are sacrificed to the common “we” and the accumulated frustration also influences the desire for one’s own partner, who bears the unconscious guilt for one’s own dissatisfaction.
- Pursue your own interests. This applies to hobbies, music, movies, books, sports, education etc. People who can occupy themselves with things that they enjoy are generally more satisfied. Contentment and serenity are characteristics that have a very positive effect on the charisma of a person. Thus, satisfied people seem more attractive and erotic.
- Pursue personal goals. Thus, frustration potential is avoided and ma has more to say at home again. People who take care of their personal growth, radiate a security which has an erotic effect on other people.
- Cultivate your own circle of friends. Impulses from other people are enriching and give new impulses that can be brought into the relationship.
DISTANCE AND LONGING
Couples find each other especially desirable when they can’t see each other for a while for various reasons. Distance creates desire, and this feeling is in turn one of the strongest catalysts for desire and lust for one’s partner. In the professional world, we speak of the eroticization of distance. If you think about the close spatial and emotional relationships of many relationships, it is almost impossible to miss your partner in a healthy way.
